You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just puked most of my soul out..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
