the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
