Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
