two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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