I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
