Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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