i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
