You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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