Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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