oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
