I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize