haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You can't motorboat a personality
Sober January is a disaster.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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