you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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