The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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