everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
