The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
