I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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