So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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