Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
