what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
