Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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