I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
