Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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