we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
