so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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