I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
