you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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