also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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