i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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