I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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