the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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