yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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