I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
