Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
