atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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