I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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