I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
