that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
