Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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