if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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