I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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