You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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