Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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