JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
