She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
