My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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