Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
