When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
