The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
