3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
