The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
